I started a newsletter on substack. Here’s an excerpt from the fifth post. Read in full (and subscribe for free) here.
My mind’s eye traces the edges of shadows, carving up a half-lit embankment. Rhythms emanate from a bluetooth speaker on the carpeted floor, snares tucked between frothy hats and a distorted bass groove. My thoughts wander toward the role of pleasure and beauty in my life; how they’ve been edging out the cold familiarity of anhedonia, restriction, and isolation that once stood in their place.
I’ve had various aesthetic trust issues. In a past era of my life (absolutely attributable to my environment at the time, but saying “in New York…” all the time gets old), aesthetics seemed to flow freely, in a constant state of unrest, morphing in myriad directions every month, from the ironic takes at the downtown openings and after-hours parties in the dim sum restaurant, to the “naive sentimentality” of the effervescent underground, to the exchanges and reinventions of the subway commuters and Broadway stores.
Positioning myself so many years ago within this landscape of ever-renewing, shifting signifiers, I adopted a mask of detachment expressed in a work-friendly yet edgy 2010s downtown girl look: American Apparel mesh, Alexander Wang x GAP khaki, proto-health goth Y3, designer hand-me-downs from my boss, jewelry from my then-husband, and finds from consignment stores, sample sales and tiny LES shops. My performance look involved a slight twist: fewer, more see-through clothes, and higher platforms.
Read the rest (and subscribe) here.